There have been many ups and downs during the past month and a half…mostly downs. My life continued to spiral as I started to look at my little corner of the world and no where else. I focused on the small little things and not the big important things. I tried and tried to lift myself up but no matter where I turned, the only solution I could see was to run…run far away. My husband suggested that I really needed a break and he tried hard to make me take one, but how could I leave? No one knows these kids like I do and no one can do this job the way I can. But, how could I stay in the shape I was in? Mostly I was afraid that if I left for a break, I might not return! One day I even went online looking for a hotel reservation and planned my get-away. The thing that stopped me was the cost of two nights in the hotel I wanted to stay at. How could I justify so much money on myself.

I knew it was just the season, that as soon as spring comes all would be better in my world. I knew the things I was focusing on were just small and trivial. I loved my children and my life. So, when all looked the blackest…I did something bold. I actually ordered a nutritional supplement called Oxytocin Factor.  I had heard about it for a while in the adoption circles, but never could justify the price for a tiny bottle. When my “liquid gold” arrived I decided to also give it to my most traumatized child…little Miss B.

Within days, life was looking up. Little things didn’t bother me any more and I actually felt love towards my children. I hugged them more, loved on them more, praised them more. Little Miss B. felt better too and is now off of all restriction! I will continue to take this until my life becomes less stress-filled!

In the meantime, we have been busy spring cleaning in our spare time. The girls decided to paint a mural on their wall and I think it turned out great!

The boys are still working on their mural, but so far it looks great!

We went to the Boise aquarium yesterday and it was amazing! All 12 children were totally engrossed in being able to see and touch the fish, sharks, and sting rays. We spent about an hour there and then got some lunch.

Touching fish at the aquarium

Nic and Matthew touching the baby sharks and rays.

We also went and looked at a bus!! It is really beautiful, but I’m not sure we will be able to buy it. If we did buy it, we would be able to use it as it is and do the remodeling when we get to it. We have wanted a bus since the last two children came home, but it seems it has been just out of our reach. I hope this time we can make this dream a reality.

I  started this blog post early in the morning and it is now dinner time and I am sick…running a fever, etc. So, I’ll just get this posted and try and write again soon.

Yesterday more kids had colds. The last time I left my little Miss B. alone in her room, she wreaked havoc in there. This time, I left a slightly older sister with her, but one with RAD too. I thought perhaps the older one would keep an eye on Miss B. and all would be well. I know it is easier to pull someone down a flight of stairs than to pull them up, but I pushed the thought out of my mind…mostly because I saw a day without having to be hyper vigilant about watching Miss B.

My mistake.

By the end of the evening Miss B. had her sister doing all sorts of things that she NEVER does! I have no choice but to bring Miss B. out of her room so that I can supervise. I get so weary doing this and doing it alone most of the time. I HATE RAD and what it does to my children and to my life. I didn’t make this mess, yet I am the one who volunteered to clean it up! So…putting two RAD kids together and expecting them to choose to do the right thing is like putting two puppies together and expecting them to house break each other!!

Later on as I was reading my new local homeschool magazine I was struck by a sentence. The article was talking about living on one income and the blessings of limitations. The author was quoting Joni Earickson Tada who was discussing Philippians 1:12-14. “Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has actually resulted in  the advancement of the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard, and to everyone else, that MY IMPRISONMENT IS FOR CHRIST.”  I laughed out loud…my imprisonment is for Christ!!! All the weight of the burden that I feel is for Christ!! All of the RAD I deal with is for Him!! Doing it alone every day…is for Him!! This is all to some how further His kingdom…even with my shortcomings and my failures each day…it is all for Him!! My imprisonment is for HIM!

At that moment I saw just a slight glimpse of my mission here. I understood what I am doing here with all these children, alone. I don’t know how it is supposed to look in each situation with every child and I don’t understand why I am doing this alone. All I need to know is that this is all for Him.  Epiphany…revelation…hope.

Hope to face this new day and start again. Hope to dare to love those who can be unlovable and who will probably never love me in return.  Hope that the Lord I serve will be with me every step of the way, no. matter. what.

Hope!

Yesterday we were back to part time school. It is impossible for me to jump back in full time with Grandma still here…we want to spend as much time with her as possible.

Since a couple of the kids had colds, I left Elizabeth to baby-sit them and the RAD kid who couldn’t quite wrap his head around math ( 8+0= ?) even though he was doing two digit by two digit multiplication. The rest of us went shopping and out for lunch. We had a wonderful time with Grandma and then came home and relaxed.

The puppy is back out in the “ugly” house because the kids are just too distracted to watch her. I also noticed that a couple more kids are coming down with colds. Great.

Last night I asked two boys to take the other dogs out and they went outside and fooled around like boys do when you have more than one of them together. They assured me that the dogs didn’t have to poop…and you will never guess what I found in the living room early this morning. Yep…dog poop.

So, I woke the boy up who was responsible…VERY early…and he cleaned up the mess and took dogs out for a walk to end of the field. I am NOT happy! I have read that in the tween and teen years, there is a MAJOR reorganizing of the brain, which causes children to not be able to think. They do dumb things and when you ask them why they did it, they say they don’t know. The article said that they really DO NOT KNOW why they would do something so dumb…this is because of the brain upgrade that they are getting. All children go through this, not just boys, however, it is the boys that take longer for the upgrade. In fact, I think the upgrade may not be complete in the male gender until well into the 30′s or even 40 years of age. This could explain why my husband laughs hysterically at the dumb things his boys say and do while the girls and I don’t even smile.

Time to get going today….more later.